On Growing
And reaching for the bigger picture
I am in the process of facing something I have avoided in parenting. It’s one of those–one eye open, one eye shut, saw this coming, tried a little but not enough, now it’s bad–kind of things.* Enter, extreme discomfort.
Even as someone who deals in the currency of growth for a living, falling into half-consciously avoided holes of my own making is hard to process. What does this say about me as a parent, a person, and someone who dares try to take care of or hold responsibility for anything? How do I hold myself accountable without debilitating myself with blame? Why bother with self compassion when this moment is about action? What does it take for a person to learn?
The truth is, staying connected with reality is hard. And I am not just talking about the harsh sides; I am talking about a 360-whole-picture-view. (Or as much of that as one little human can access.) In the wrap-around perspective of myself, what I see is a person with notable power and agency, generally good intention, and very real internal and external limitations. It is uncomfortable to try to stay with the fact that I am a person who is trying very hard, and often, not not trying hard enough. I also have the ability to act, which makes me responsible, and there are real barriers, which genuinely hold me back. I notice a lot and I miss plenty too. I know what I need to do and, at times, neglect to do it. I am good enough and not enough all at the same time.
All of these true and contradicting things simply co-exist. But I want to take this a step further and say that, by trying to connect with the whole picture—walking around the issue, allowing some explanation, and noticing where there is need for improvement—and ultimately facing myself more wholly, there is no way not to grow a little. I would argue that turning over the prism of reality in your hand and looking at all the things that are true is not a neutralizing effort but one that generates movement.
Growth is often so much slower than I want it to be. I am so tempted by totalizing stories and hasty meaning making. Reality is not like that though and, if I want to change, I might as well try to see a bigger picture while I am at it. (And this is where self compassion and generosity really do their magic.) It’s when the goodness in us gets to sit right next to the hard-to-look-at things, helping us tolerate ourselves, and boosting us toward our growing edges with a dose of “you can face this and when you do, things will get better; they can’t not.”
xx,
Morgan
Ps. If you are free this Friday, come by!
*Note: Everyone is ultimately OK. :)